A Broken SHIELD Needs A Doctor
by detectivevalkyrie
Summary: Agent Charmaine Hanson of S.H.I.E.L.D hasn't had much of a normal life, but even for her, things turn weird when she is assigned to be partners with a strange man who calls himself the Doctor.
1. Chapter 1

'Agent, report back to base immediately,' instructed a voice from my headset.

'Yes, Director Fury,' I responded.

I sprinted past Central Park and onto the curb.

'Taxi!' I hollered, frantically waving my arms in the air like a lunatic. 'Taxi!'

A bright yellow sedan pulled up at my feet. I stepped towards the driver's door and yanked it open.

'Scoot over, please. I'm taking the wheel,' I ordered the driver.

'What the heck do you think this is, ma'am?' he cries at me.

'I think this is a situation where you move over and I take the wheel. Don't make things difficult for me; I'm not really the patient type. Besides, I for one have wasted enough time already by talking to you.'

'In what universe, do you think I would answer to you?'

'A universe in which I am a government agent, for example, this one,' I retorted, showing him my identification card.

'Alright, alright, ma'am. No need to get all narky about it,' he said, raising his arms in the air as he slides over to the passenger seat. I sat down on the firm seat, reached for the seat belt and buckled myself in.

'What's your name?'

'Uh… Ed?'

'Have you got your seat belt on, Ed?'

'Why should I need it? I don't wear one most of the time.'

'Doesn't wear a seat belt and takes drugs… well, Ed, haven't I found a good crop today?'

'What do you mean, I take drugs?'

I lifted up the cold, hard piece of plastic that separated the rest of the car from the centre console and pulled out a packet of dry leaves.

'So if you don't take drugs, how come I've found cannabis in this taxi?' I challenged.

'Um…'

'We'll deal with this at the base. Now, are you sure you aren't going to wear your seat belt?'

'Yes.'

'Okay then,' I sung merrily and pushed the accelerator as hard as I could.

'Ah!' Ed screamed. 'What are you DOING?! You're a government agent; you're not allowed to drive recklessly!'

The traffic lights ahead changed from yellow to red, and I slammed on the brakes.

'Oops!' I exclaimed with fake innocence. 'The lights were in my blind spot.'

'Are you crazy, woman?! They're lights! They can't be in your blind spot!'

'Mind you, if I'm driving recklessly, which I'm not – I could drive way worse – shouldn't you put on your seat belt?'

'I will not give in to you, lady!'

'Suit yourself,' I said simply, and with all my might I pounded my foot onto the accelerator.

'You just ran a red light!'

'You just refuse to wear your seat belt.'

'Is that what it is? You want me to wear my seat belt in exchange for my life?'

'That's the deal regardless. Whenever you step into a car that deal is automatically put in place, whether I am there or not. Didn't you listen in preschool?'

'So if I put on my seat belt, you will stop driving like a maniac?'

'It took you that long? What is with you?'

'What is with ME? WHAT IS WITH _YOU_?!'

I eased my foot lower and the car came to a halt.

'Get out,' I told him.

'YOU… are telling ME… to GET OUT… of MY cab?'

'Yes. Get out,' I repeated flatly.

'No.'

'Do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way? Get out now.'

'This is my taxi, you can't kick me out.'

'Ok.'

I grabbed the man's arms and reached for my belt, where I found a metal chain, then cuffed them together behind his back.

'The hard way it is,' I announced as I got out of the cab, took the marijuana and dragged him out onto the street.

'You can't do this to me,' he cried. 'You can't make me leave my taxi.'

'You're right. I can't just make you leave your taxi. Stupid me,' I remarked as I took him back to the canary yellow vehicle. 'That would just be silly!'

'Yes,' he said, nodding desperately. 'Yes it would.'

'I should do something way better.'

'Please, please,' he pleaded to me.

'I have an idea,' I continued when we reached the cab. Then I swiftly removed the cuff that encircled his left arm, attached it to the taxi and locked it back onto his left wrist.

'I'll just cuff you to it!'

'Agent Hanson, what's going on?' asked a female voice. I turned around to find a lady in a SHIELD uniform and auburn hair shaped in a bob standing five metres away from me with her arms crossed and her feet shoulder-width apart.

'Agent Romanoff! What a pleasant surprise!' I said. 'You know, I got a call from Director Fury that told me that I was needed at the base urgently, while on the way here I found my new pal Ed. And I thought, 'Director Fury LOVES surprises. Especially surprise guests who bear gifts.' I hold up the bag of weed.

'You know what, Agent Hanson? I think Director Fury WOULD love to spend some time with your buddy Ed. However, I personally think Ed would have more fun with me over in interrogation.'

'You know what Ed would REALLY like?' said Ed. 'I think Ed would REALLY like it if you let him go.'

'Not a chance,' Agent Romanoff and I said in unison.

'Well, Agent, I think it's best if you go to your meeting now and I'll take care of buddy boy over here.'

'Thanks, Natasha.' I handed her the plastic bag of killers and ran up the stairs of the base.

'Agent Hanson, what took you so long?' questioned Director Fury.

'I got a little tied up at Central Park.'

'I have a new partner for you.'

Director Fury gestured towards my left, where I turned around to see a man with a ridiculous fez on his head and a bowtie.

'Hi, I'm the Doctor,' he introduced himself.

'Doctor who?'


	2. Chapter 2

'Just the Doctor,' my new partner simply replied.

'I'm Agent Charmaine Hanson.'

'Nice to meet you, Agent Charmaine Hanson. You know, that is an awful lot to say. So… how about I call you Mainey? Is that okay with you?'

'Not in the slightest.'

'Mainey it is.'

'So… you're an Englishman I take it?'

'No, actually.'

'He says he's from Gallifrey,' Fury informed me as Captain Rodgers walked past.

'Doctor! Long time, no see!'said the Captain loudly as he stopped to greet the Doctor.

'Steve, old chap!'

'You've changed a bit.'

'Yes, this is just one of my many faces,' said the Doctor jokingly.

'And I've notice that you are wearing a bowtie.'

'Yes, I wear a bowtie now. Bowties are cool.'

'Uh… excuse me?' I interjected.

'Yes, Mainey?' the Doctor answered as he rocked back and forth on his heels, with his hands clasped together.

'Can someone explain to me… why the heck there is an old police box in the middle of this room?'

'Ah, yes. The TARDIS,' sighed the Doctor.

'TARDIS?'

'Yes. I believe that is what I said. You know, the TARDIS. Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. It's a bit of a timey wimey thing that you wouldn't understand.'

'Timey Wimey?'

'Mainey, do you have the brain of a goldfish?'

'What did you just say?'

'There you go again! Absolutely clueless! Now, how am I supposed to save the world with you? As far as I can see, you wouldn't stand a chance against a sontaran!'

I walked up to the Doctor so that I was an inch away from him, dug my knee hard into his crotch, wrapped my arms around his waist and pummelled him onto the cold, hard, black tiles.

'You were saying, Doctor?' I said through gritted teeth.

'You are a very capable woman,' he groaned.

'Don't patronize me.'

'I'll do what I like.'

'Fair enough, Doctor. Just don't get in my way,' I told him and walked off to the interrogation room.

'Charming, isn't she?' I heard the Doctor say.

'Yes. Has a very colourful vocabulary, too,' I heard Director Fury reply.

I knocked on the door of the interrogation room.

'Come in!' shouted Agent Romanoff.

I opened the door and casually walked in.

'Agent Hanson! How lovely and thoughtful of you to join our little party! Our great friend, Ed here, doesn't seem to be having fun and is a bit shy.'

'Well, Agent Romanoff, maybe Ed will feel a little better if I stayed. Perhaps he just needs to get to know me better. I know I'm just itching to get to know him.'

'No! Not HER! Yes, I got an offer from HYDRA, but I declined! I'm not the bad guy!'

'You were found with an illegal drug,' I stated bluntly.

'500 grams of it,' adds Agent Romanoff.

'That's a lot of money. But with your income as a taxi driver, how could you possibly afford to spend that much money?'

'I won't talk!' Ed screamed. 'I WON'T TALK!'

'You won't talk? That must mean that we have no choice but to arrest you for stealing money and hoarding illegal substances, plus, on top of that, you will be spending more time with me.'

'You are accusing me of theft? Of bank robbery?'

'Nice one, ace. Nowhere in that allegation did I accuse you of stealing money from a bank, which would lead me to assume that you actually did rob a bank. However, it does seem that the same amount of money need to buy the cannabis was stolen from Stark Industries last week.'

'Now, what do you have to say for yourself?' says a male voice.

'Doctor!' I screamed with surprised. 'You are not authorised to be in here!'

'Yes I am!' he said, holding out a leather card holder which held an ID.

'That's a fake,' I said flatly.

'I have absolutely no idea what you mean,' he stated.

'My compliments, Doctor. It looks very realistic. But- One: It says you joined in 1943, two years before S.H.I.E.L.D was formed. Two: Your left eye is twitching…'

'Dammit,' groaned the Doctor.

'And 3: Your ID says you are 29. You wouldn't have even been alive in 1943.'

'Show's how much she knows,' the Doctor mumbled.

'Excuse me?' I said. 'I didn't quite catch that. That's what happens when unintelligent people mumble.'

The Doctor walks right up to me and crouches down so he is at my eye level.

'I am not unintelligent and I said you had a big nose.'

I pulled my arm back, and soon enough, my fist met his nose.

'Ow!' he yelled as his hand flew to his nose. 'That HURT! Oh no, it's swelling… I can feel it swelling.'

'So… Doctor… who has a big nose now? Hmm?'

'That's…. not nice!'

'Ooh! Gee, I'm shaking in my boots,' I said. 'I told you to stay out of my way. Usually, when I tell people to stay out of my way… they take my advice.'

'I see why,' mumbled the Doctor.

'The mumbling again!'

The door slammed. I looked around to see what was going on.

'ED!'

END OF CHAPTER


	3. Chapter 3

'ED!' I yelled as Natasha Romanoff and I sprinted down the halls of S.H.I.E.L.D Central after the escapee.

I saw a red beanie enter Office 154 and chased after it.

'Not that smart are you,' I began. 'One- I have you cornered. Two- you hid in my office.'

Ed grabbed the metal chair by my desk and held it up above his head.

'Also not smart,' Agent Romanoff said as she slammed the chair down and the metal legs dug into his shoulders.

'Now stand down!' I hollered and reached for my pocket for my pistol, but instead found something, soft and gooey.

I pulled it out slowly, to find I was clutching a squashed, mutilated banana.

'My gun's missing. Yours?' I asked Agent Romanoff, panicking.

'Gone,' she replied, holding out another banana.

The door opened.

'Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that,' began the Doctor, with his head poking into the office. 'You see, I noticed you had guns, and I thought 'Those things have the potential to harm someone'. SO, I swapped your hurtful weapons for healthy, good, bananas. Peace, love, not war.'

'You IDIOT! You complete, absolute, frickin' IDIOT!' I screeched.

'But then again, if it is peace and love the Doctor wants…' I thought.

'You know what, Doctor? I think you might be onto something,' I said to him.

'Really?'

'Yes. In fact, why don't I show you how much I think it is such a great policy. I mean, don't set fire to yourself, woah, that's a great idea. But peace and love, that's even better!'

'I know right?' says the Doctor, beaming with happiness.

'So… to prove it. I'm going to handcuff you, and take you to a place you where you can make peace with your new friend and home… it's called a prison cell! And then, you can be loving and caring to your inmates and the other prisoners, who are there to learn love and peace, not war!'

'Yeah… not going to happen.'

'But think of the poor criminals, those people like Ed, who need to know how to love, and how to be peaceful. And what better place to do that than behind bars, where I will never have to deal with you again!'

'No… but how about the zoo? I love the zoo. Especially the platypi, very intriguing animals…'

'Of course, Doctor. I understand that you would love to go to zoo. In fact, I would be more than happy to take you home to the monkey enclosure.'

'Thank you, in fact, monkeys are quite smart and advanced organisms, and-'

'That wasn't a compliment,' hints Agent Romanoff as she pins Ed to the floor and begins to cuff his hands together.

'Right. We'll go to the zoo,' says the Doctor. 'Come on, in the TARDIS, Mainey.'

'Charmaine.'

'Mainey.'

'Charmaine.'

'I'll call you what I like.'

'And I'll shoot you where I like.'

'No gun, remember?'

'Oh well, I'll just have to settle for my Taser.'

'Doesn't scare me.'

'Very well, Doctor,' I said and pulled out my Taser. As I put my finger on the trigger, the Doctor pulled out a toy wand. He pushed a button on the stupid kids toy and the light at the end shone a brilliant green.

_'I've had enough of this lunacy,_' I thought and pulled the trigger, but nothing happened. I tried it again, but still nothing.

'It's called a sonic screwdriver. I just disabled your Taser.'

'Yeah right. It's probably out of charge. I'll just have to settle with my fists.'

'In the TARDIS, Charmaine.'

I raised an eyebrow.

'In the TARDIS, Agent Hanson?'

I shook my head, and he sighed.

'In the TARDIS please, Charmaine, my lordship.'

'Better. See what happens when you do what I say?'

'Yes, no fun.'

'By the way, I was just waiting for 'please', but 'your lordship' will have to do,' I said airily as I walked with the Doctor towards the blue police box.

_'As if we're both going to fit in that thing,_' I thought.

'You know,' I said to the Doctor. 'Maybe 'your lordship' is a little to plain. You know, it's not enough. It's lost the ring to it. I'm thinking: 'Your Supreme Lordship of the Most High, who I love'. Now that one is a keeper.'

'No way.'

I held up my fist.

'Yes, Charmaine, Your Supreme Lordship of the Most High, who I love.'

'Oh, you're too kind, Doctor,' I said, pretending to be flattered and batting my eyelashes.

'Shut up.'

'Now, now, Doctor. Is that a way to speak to Your Lordship of the Most High, who you love?'

'Just get in the TARDIS.'

'Just get in the TARDIS, what?'

His firm hands pushed my back and I was sent spinning into the police box that he called 'the TARDIS'. I gasped at how big it appeared, how spacious it seemed and how futuristic it looked. That was some good quality wallpaper.

'Come on. Aren't you going in further?' You know, since it's a gateway to all dimensions.'

'Not fooling me, I know it's all wallpaper. I'm not going to fall for it.'

'Oh really, watch this,' yelled the Doctor and he walked over to the centre of the so-called 'gateway'.

'It's smaller on the outside,' I breathed.

'That's what I said,' shouted a young woman as she walked down the mesh staircase. She ran over to me and shook my hand.

'Hi, I'm Clara. Clara Oswald,' she said. Another British person.

'Nice to meet you, Clara. I'm Charmaine Hanson.'

'Cool. The Doctor's told me a lot about you.'

'Oh really?' I said, looking at the Doctor, then back at Clara. 'After all, he does call me 'Your Lordship of the Most High, who he loves'.'

'You're skating on thin ice, Mainey,' he said as the TARDIS started to make a whining noise. I pretended to slit my throat.

'You can say whatever you like, Charmaine, Your Lordship of the Most High, who I love.'

'Thank you. I am honoured.'

After five minutes, the whining noise stopped, and the Doctor opened the doors of the TARDIS to reveal a very grimy, Central Park Zoo.

'What happened?' I asked, shocked.

'Welcome to the year 3043. Where humans are the main attraction at the zoo. Turns out, this is about to be your new home.'


	4. Chapter 4

Sparks flew through my mind. It was like a huge explosion in my brain. Adrenaline rushed through my body, finally, something fit the puzzle I had been trying to put together my whole life.

'He wouldn't dare!' I growled.

'Oh contraire, Mainey! I do not believe that you quite understand! I have had enough of tolerating your nonsense, and I think that it is time to stop.'

'This is about to be the biggest mistake of your life, Fury. A Charmaine Hanson behind bars is even more dangerous than a Charmaine Hanson that is not.'

'Wait, Fury? I'm about to put you in a zoo, in the future, leave you behind and all you can think about is Fury?'

'Yes.'

'Pah,' spat the Doctor. 'Now that is just a load of baloney. Look at you. I know you're a SHIELD agent, and possibly the one who hacked into the TARDIS mainframe. Not only that, but you could be the one working with the Daleks, so don't play dumb with me.'

'Ok. The only person that could possibly hack into the TARDIS mainframe, whatever the heck that is, is Stark. Next, what are Daleks?'

'Don't play innocent with me, Charmaine. I know that it's you. The TARDIS doesn't lie.'

'Again, you just told me that the TARDIS mainframe was hacked. So why would I blame myself. If you are looking for the guy that hacked into the TARDIS, ask Stark. HE is the only one able to hack into anything, let alone alien technology. Besides, how can I work with Daleks if I have no idea what they are?'

'Look me in the eyes, Charmaine, and tell me, what you think Daleks are.'

'What the Daleks are don't matter,' I choked, the waterworks coming into effect. 'I just want to go home, to my true home.'

'But you seemed pretty excited before about the whole time and space thing.'

'Time and space… if only I could do it for a third time… but I have to go.'

'A third time?' asks Clara.

'Yes. I come from Gallifrey, too. I was one of the ones that fled. It's just that I've been altered. I am a time lord, but the thing is… I only just found out.'

'Rubbish, that isn't possible. If you were a time lord you would be frozen in a painting.'

'Not at all. Look at this. Use your sonic screwdriver. Scan me, and you will see. Fury found me when I was just a little girl. Just 90 years old. He was intrigued by me, he wanted to change me into a SHIELD agent, but I refused. I'd lost everything. My mother and my father. Even my brother. I couldn't possibly join something like SHIELD. I'd break; disintegrate away until there was nothing of me left but a body with no soul. So, Fury had my memory erased and replaced them with new ones so I would do his bidding. He tried to hide the real me, and it worked, until you came along and took me here. When you told me where I am now my memory came back. 67 years later. That's right. I am 157 years old.

'This can't be real,' exclaims Clara. 'The painting, the fact that you're the only one…'

'Oh, yes it is. If you don't believe the screwdriver, put both your hand on one side of her chest and then the other.'

'She… she's not lying. It's…it's… it's true!'

'But how did Nick Fury come up with the technology to erase your memories and replace them as early as 1947?'

'Howard Stark.'

'Gee, you seem to have a thing for the Stark family, don't you? Do you fancy Tony?'

'What? No… pfft… that would be ridiculous!' I said, my face a deep shade of crimson.

Suddenly, a fan girl emerged out of nowhere.

'TONY'S MINE, BACK OFF!' she shrieked at the top of her lungs, and before I knew it, her hard fist collided with my face.

'Ah, freaking hell, my eye!' I whined.

'Where did she COME from?!' said Clara as she examined your eye.

'Well, you see Clara,' began the Doctor. 'When a man loves a woman and they start a sexual relationship-'

'Yeah, that's not what I meant,' Clara babbled, desperate to stop the Doctor's lecture.

'OH! Yeah... I see, I see. Yeah… no idea. But wow, Charmaine! Your eye is tripling in size…'

'Shouldn't we be getting back to S.H.I.E.L.D?' I asked.

'Oh… THAT… well… how about we let that eye settle down and then we'll get back to S.H.I.E.L.D otherwise if we go now… people may not be able to handle the sight of your eye just yet.'

'We have a deal.'


End file.
